You crept out bit by bit Sneaking away earlier and earlier Reminding us of life without you We are left standing listening to the sound of our own beating hearts Dwelling in silent stillness Our breathe taken away by whispers of sucking solitude You demand our gratitude in your absence compelling us to remember your importance as we slosh through our days Testing our confidence that you will return Promising not to leave us endlessly in shadow You bid us to appreciate this moment of vast darkness Drawing up awareness that rests deep in our bellies You nudge us to kneel and offer gratitude Seeing what is visible only to eyes adjusted in darkness Insisting on an attentiveness that peels open the layers uncovering the hidden truth Soon you will creep in Bit by bit inching your way back earlier and earlier But for now we sit with you without you In darkness
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The night winds down Rounds of goodbyes begin Hugs and farewells Drawn out This large family does its goodbyes much like it does everything Loudly, gluttonously and with all our hearts Those who join this family are dragged through The drawn out, long, exhaustive rounds of hugs, kisses, last jabs of the evening They learn to urge the goodbye ceremony to begin hours before they are ready to go This evening is no different Last embraces, goodbyes recapturing, retelling highlights of the day Good thing it will probably only be 12 hours before we all meet again You see it is only Wednesday of our week together So we still have more evenings and days of togetherness But somehow Not consciously But somehow we know we have hit the climax We are standing at the peak Don’t get me wrong there are still plenty of belly laughs fishing excursions deep talks excessive eating harmonies in the glow of crackling fires midnight dips in cleansing waters Yes, there are still piles of moments ahead But Wednesday night comes to a close It will never be again So the goodbyes are drawn out perhaps even a bit longer than usual This night one cousin, new father and old soul Says his goodbye to his mother’s younger brother Hugs Embrace We’ve got 98 more. he says to his uncle Hug still in progress We get together in these sacred mountains each year We come together as family wrapped in imperfect love once a year These are the moments we have together Some years there may be a few more encounters if there is a wedding or funeral But mostly – we have this once We get a few warm hugs out of everyone this week this sacred week we spend together We’ve got 98 more. I guess so if we are blessed to do this for the next 30 years we may get another 98 hugs out of ya all That is a lot to be grateful for As we learn over and over you never know when the last hug will be For the old and frail And for the young and vibrant So savor these hugs I will Hold onto these embraces Breathe in these goodbyes Sorry in-laws – it will take a while Longer that you would like But we’re gonna soak them in Drink them down like gin and tonic on the rocks Get drunk on them and let them fill us up feed us until the next time Making our rounds We may be down to only 97 hugs after tonight We will have used another one up But it will be worth it In its place we will have a few more laughs Some more indelible memories and we take with us a deeper love of these mountains we call family and these people we call home And if we are lucky, We’ve still got 97 more. Welcome, little one. Welcome to the Mountains. You are the first of the 7th generation to touch foot, feel the water, smell the air Your mom says this is the furthest journey you have taken in your seven months upon this earth Yes, in more ways than one, It is the furthest. Coming here is like moving through space and time, back through our family story We don’t know it at first As kids it is just fun – Sun Sandcastles Crayfish under rocks Brisk Water Marshmallowy fingers Bear stories Giggles with cousins Mountain climbs Sugar for breakfast, lunch and dinner Shooting stars That’s what we thought made it so special little did we know it ran much deeper through our bones pumping in our veins Late nights around crackling campfires Circles of song Gatherings of love Traditions and treasures Glimpses of truth Hugs from hearts overflowing Midnight swims with generations past Friends who have become family Tears and dancing Etchings on our souls The safety of family knowing they would always be here not that it would always be easy On no! Indeed, we have had more tragedy than I’d like to recall but, and it is a BIG “but” we can always find our way back to the Mountains find our way back to the generations of love, depth and abundance Year after year received back by this sacred land Decade after decade returning to be with these beautiful souls It lifts us and grounds us at the same time up and down all at once waves in a pattern of dichotomy In the mountains we know who we are – stripped of facade, glitter and titles none of that matters here the deep Sacandaga waters wash all the glitter away the evening glow of campfires burn through all façades our names are reduced to “mommy” “sister” “grandson” “cuz” “son” "gram" the only titles we need, the only ones that matter Generation after generation after generation after generation after generation after generation after generation… Built the love that you feel when you are here. It will buoy you keep you afloat when life’s storms are strong It will ground you hold you close when life’s uncertainties linger Welcome little one. Welcome to the Mountains, to your Mountains. They are here for you and they are deep within you. Seven generations deep. The door opened
It was spacious and bright The cacophony of bright fabricated colors shone through in the shape of a cross The curves of the walls softened my gaze Without genuflecting I slipped in and landed on the smooth surface of the sacrificed tree Almost as if entering an altered realm I melted down and landed in a cloud of “yes” “welcome” “enough-ness” “stillness” Blankets of rippled energy massaged my shoulders and seeped into my chest The awareness of the instantaneous transformation jolted me momentarily but then the shock dissolved and I was left with only presence I breathed it in wondering what “it” was On the deep and intentional exhale a tingle of acceptance tickled the tip of my nose and sat waiting for the next invigorating breath The next inhale began its journey from the tip of my nose inward The playful sensation came back to life and rose up into my head and pushed down into my chest It danced around Its vibration teased out a single teardrop that departed my left outer eyelid, which was now shut Reverberating in and out and through all of me Gushes of generations who came before me awoke I carried them inside and they seemed to greet the generations of those already in the space – who had called this home who had hunted this land who had nursed their young here who had been pushed off this land who had done the pushing off All seemed to come together in the space to join with me And in this sacred moment The hollow space in a straw of someone sipping the last drops of their drink echoed Slurps shifted my awareness back to the little nondenominational church in La Villita On any other day the loud irreverent noise would be jolting and irritating Another wet, airy gulp tested the calm silence I smiled The blanket of sacred humanity still lay on my shoulders and kept me warm I made sure to dwell in it for a morsel longer And when it felt like it had been long enough I stood up and with more space between each molecule of my being I entered back into the sunshine beating down on adobe buildings and sacred souls in the streets Both living and deceased I look through the weathered window White painted wood frame, chipped and faded Four square panes standing in quadrants of simultaneousness The top left pane clear and crisp Looking out all is peaceful Colors blend in dancing bouquets The sun reflects in and warms my face as I gaze out An arena of syncopated rhythm the beating of my heart aligned with all drifting outside Then a cool gust of wind pushes through the opening My gaze lowers to the pane beneath The façade of the glass is blurred It pushes my gaze within I see the harsh dark and wakening truths The ones that aren’t let out I bite my lips together to ensure nothing escapes Swallow deep, deliberate and push all down and contain No one sees through this pane to what is behind, to what is held inside A bird flutters by outside I glance to the upper right pane but it is too late I try to find it, searching through the shadows I sense there is something there but to no avail The darkness blinds and reflects only the outline of my round face Blank of detail or substance Void, unknown to me I can hear chirps of truth from those who do know Then there is silence and it beckons to me I stare down, the final corner Nothingness It is not dark, it is not light It just is, elusive and omnipresent all at once Breath pushes in and out The potential to unveil The existence of utterances held still Unknowns surrounded by barrenness Swirls move around me Sparks summon me to glance below to the sill The sturdy foundation holding this pane-filled view Four panes aligned perfectly One which is all knowing One which lies within One hidden from my view One standing in absolute unknown They all sit, together Upon this sill Sit they do, together, on this sill I stand in space and time all is still A reflection of all moments, emotions and memories weave into a blanket around me encompass me in robes of violent and magenta roll over me in textures of grit and silk hues and shadow individually each is familiar yet when together in a tapestry of reflection my spirit pulls in opposing directions Flip flopping like a dying fish in a shallow bucket Unsure of where the next breath will come from Gasping for air beneath the water in a space not meant for me Echoes of assurance rattle in my ears Am I willing to surrender and trust? Is it easier to call into question all once held in confidence? If all is impermanent then this too will fleet The rushing sensations burst together Creating moments so fierce and flammable one more ounce of insightful vulnerability will explode my soul Do I wish it away out of fear? Do I blink and cast it afar? I try This time the tapestry is too heavy The memories too vibrant They fight me to stay and swirl around me paralyzing my senses They pull from within me Drag out the inner workings Shed light on the dark corners Send vibration through the spaces Turning me inside out All that was tucked safe within flips to the outside My skin is storybooks and comics and movies of buried treasures I am a stage and the world can see the production imprinted on my flesh Actors stomp on my head and audiences hang from my arms What is left inside is milky white and flows like honey Freezing time and judgement The core is warm as mother’s milk and vast as cloudless skies I forget about the rattling production facing the world I dwell inside for a while awakening and expanding Every cell seems to hold infiniteness Each one a world to explore and comprehend I wish to stay here I try The ground jerks around me Turbulent shakes blend it all together Inside, outside – melded together in a stew of reality Fluidity of exterior and interior Nuanced realities side by side I step back into the space and time of now I stand still as woven memories grace my bones and cover my flesh Dance is all I can do Twist my torso Tap my toes Shake my head Slink my hips Integrating with every move Aligning once again More alive than ever Turning Turning inside out into space and time I wept.
I wept three different times today Once early this morning when the reality smacked me in the face and rushed to my gut I looked into the mirror and the truth I saw in the reflection of this country crippled me I wept. I looked into my children’s eyes and shared the news What world have we created for you What runs through your minds and how does this shape your gentle reality I wept. For my friends, family, students, strangers I passed today in silence – for each of you who are pounded down by violent words, relentless attacks and gestures of hate Today all those words were amplified through the megaphone of 59,611,678 votes It is deafening I weep and hold each of you in my heart. I think about each of your individual struggles and yearnings to carry on. Each of you who are filled with fear, targeted for being you I weep. I will continue to weep. I need some cleansing I am so sorry. We have failed you. Please forgive us, please forgive me. I am so sorry. You are loved. Louder than my weeping, I scream – you are loved, you are wanted, you are needed, you are beautiful. My hope is that you feel some ripples of love because I know love will overcome. Through the tears I will continue the mantra of love. Our voices will be heard – steady as the drum and beating of the heart. You are loved, you are wanted, you are needed, you are beautiful. But tonight, in solidarity, I continue to weep. We gather to eat our meal
Six-year-old hands do all they can to refrain from digging in Impatient wiggles in chairs as slow-moving parents bring last morsels to the table Finally we all take our place Hands linked Brother and sister holding too tight on purpose Mother and father reaching out gently and firmly The tradition is engrained All know the drill Proclamations of gratitude are spit out No need to take turns All that is shared peppers the room with insight into the gratitude within Thank-you’s for sunshine and salt shakers and family and puppies Sometimes someone even remembers a thank-you for the food, the sustenance that brings these hands all together Then one sardonic, quick-witted soul states in exasperation “Thank you for everything and everyone, AMEN.” Can it be over already the son pleads through his prayer I am done with this Enough already Everyone giggles at the finality this brings to the evening’s moment of gratitude Eating ensues until all are satiated Unaware at how pivotal this prayer will be At meals to come all thoughtful proclamations of gratitude are cut off Disrupted by the youngest one’s need to move forward The magic phrase that halts all other inspired words “Thank you for everything and everyone, AMEN.” Done. Silence. Emptiness. It doesn’t sit right It is a manipulative way to keep from deep gratitude Mother and father shift their weight Battles to deepen and expand this ritual seem hopeless The words feel like face slaps of insincerity Until One evening, beaten down by the hectic dance of the day We gather to eat our meal Tired hands can barely hold on tight enough Elbows sit on the table holding up exhausted beings Silence for a moment Then a sincere, steady, sweet voice says “Thank you for everything and everyone…” More silence. Hands are clasped a bit tighter as if to freeze this moment in eternity It is complete It is enough There is no need for more The simple inclusivity embraces us all It wraps the angry politicians into our space It encircles the bruised oceans It remembers the lonely prisoner It celebrates the bountiful love shared It honors the ancestors from long ago and of recent past It calls to mind the neighbor battling cancer It leaves no one and nothing out Our hearts expand in gratitude Our simple prayer draws all in and holds it for a moment Just long enough to settle in our souls Only the heart of a six-year-old could be large enough to create space for gratitude this evening that includes everything and everyone And for that, I am grateful. You do not wait
When you are ready there is no stalling No holding you back from becoming perfect Your magenta, sweet berries bursting on the bush You cannot wait dozens of gems hidden under drooping canes Like hopes buried deep in the pores of my heart When you arrive you are bold and colorful a balance of firmness and savory juice Only hours later it will be too late If I do not take time to venture to the garden I will miss my opportunity for you to sweeten my taste buds and dance in my tummy You will not wait The bees have done their job, buzzing and pollenating Your strong branches have played their part and brought you nourishment and a home The sun completed her role of sustenance and warmth Now I need to stand vigil and wait while you surge into completeness I will spend all night if I have to searching for every last drupelet hidden under leaves and tucked in corners of bliss The snip of time when you come into being is a sacred flash of beauty to behold pure gift to taste I will wait This time I will be ready I stand eager to greet and welcome you the moment you arrive into fullness At a quarter past midnight you look up and ask, "Why aren't they all like the sun?"
Your curious, youthful mind begs an answer These stars that show their faces only after little ones have settled in for the night how come they aren't as bold and bright and massive as the sun? The brilliance and brightness of the nightly stars do not compare Morning star waking all eternity at each rising beating down warmth and potentiality to every living space on this earth touching every crevice with sustenance I sit on shores of Sacandaga ripples of waves tickling my ears flutters of white birch leaves singing to me fragrance of balsam standing bolder than my grandmother's perfume I sit and you rise, shining on me warming my knees and forearms and the tippy top of my head all of me soaking in your radiance It is as if it was only me on this entire earth you settle down to be with me chosen especially from all the grasses and plains and desserts and mountains and creatures this day you give your undivided attention to me rejuvenating my tired soul and replenishing my aching body What would be of us if all the stars were like you? If all had to shine so brightly and boldly as to fade out every last other central to all positioned in a way that tugs all in close and swirls them around as if a feisty seven year old held in the pocket of the armpits and spun around and around until dizzy with delight You keep us all spinning arms reach away as not to scorch or burn us opening us with your power and grandness Every nourishment that feeds our body and soul was born of you giving us grain to eat and breath of life Every poem that was ever uttered Every motion ever set into play was born of you Why aren't they all like you? Your strength, commitment, generosity, playfulness, hopefulness, gratitude, forgiveness unconditionally offering all of this Why can't we all be so? Perhaps some stars need to only shine in the darkest of moments perhaps some need only be seen by few Some need only be known by that which is larger than themselves You embody all but fractions of the entire mass of this swirling system and with it responsibility above all others Set up as an example to each of us committed to the single blade of grass between my toes to the highest peak reaching into the skies to my child that I love and long to know completely to the mother born in a cave in a different time with speech unknown to my ears each of us, all of everything you are mothering, nurturing, caring for all our lives are in your hands entire existence dependent on your continuous generous outpouring of self So they aren't all like you and we can't all be you but nothing is stopping us from soaking you into our bones, stretching in gratitude for you working tirelessly every day to emulate your grand beauty and selfless being Today as every day we will dance around your rays circling in endless love and will miss you at dusk but always reminded of your pervasive presence as we gaze at your sister stars against the dark backdrop of questions sent out to the universe |
AuthorSome times I write. Even less than "some" times I share what I write. For those moments that I write and want to share I have done so here. Archives
December 2017
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