When you ask your children how their day was, do you get blank stares? I used to get blank stares or one word answers from my kids. Then we started our daily practice of “high and low of the day.” It has brought substance and depth to our conversations. This is how it works. High and low of the day In the car ride home in the evening or at the dinner table at our house you will hear the question, “Time for high and low of the day!” A friend told us about their family ritual of asking one another to share one high and one low from their day. Two years ago we decided to implement this into our daily family routine. Some days we get the obligatory, unenthusiastic answers from our eight and ten-year-old children. One of our eight-year-old’s favorite responses is “I got to play iPad” (insert mom guilt here because he plays on the iPad WAY more than I would like). Once in a while we will get some manipulative, snarky response like “My high was having ice-cream!” I respond naively, “Oh, you had ice-cream at lunch in school today?” “No, I am going to have it tonight!” Laughter ensues from the backseat of the car. So, I admit that our family “high and low of the day” time is not always profound and trans-formative, but I do sincerely believe that this practice has shifted something for us and I think it is worth trying. Here is why. Some days the highs and lows are too important not to share Some days the “high and low of the day” conversation goes something like this: Imagine a shrieking, joyful, giddy girl proclaiming, “I am so excited I got called back for another audition. I have never been to call backs before!” Imagine a disheartened, trembling voice whispering, “The girls in school today were really mean and made me sad.” These are the moments that can stop me in my tracks and remind me how important the “high and low of the day” practice is. It reinforces how essential it is to ask these questions of one another. It reminds me how important it is to take the time to ask each other how we are doing and really be ready to listen to whatever is shared. I often wonder how many of these things I would not hear about if we didn’t commit to this daily practice. Would I know my son was hurting inside and feeling left out? Would I really be able to understand the depth of my daughter’s joy? I have a feeling I would miss out on a lot of these insights and opportunities. Those pesky lows The yin to my yang; the winter to my summer; the peanut butter to my jelly; the night to my day; the turkey to my... Well, you get the point... One of the essential aspects of this practice is that we are intentional about asking about BOTH the highs and lows. We nudge each other to share about both sides of the day – the pleasant and the unpleasant. Why is this important? We tend to be obsessed with happiness. There is often a sense that we have failed if we are not constantly cheerful and experiencing “good” or pleasant feelings. This is unrealistic, and more importantly, unhealthy. Our human experience includes both the highs and lows of life and I would suggest we can’t truly experience the full extent of one without the other (read more at “Riding the Wave”). It is healthy and honest to acknowledge both our highs and lows. It is important to accept that both are part of our lives - every single day. Every day we have an opportunity to acknowledge and make room for both the positive and negative; to shine and to fail, to be grateful and disappointed. There is room for both. In this practice both are honored and given space. Both are accepted. It is a practice in active listening and mindfulness. Instead of being attached to what “should” be we listen to each other’s testimony of the day as it actually is - without judgment. What happens when there is a day that is ALL low? There are those days – the days that are filled with dark clouds, pessimistic colleagues, sore throats, tired emotions, hurt feelings, bad news, and feelings of incompetence. There are the blah days, the ones that seem entirely “low.” But our practice of “high and low of the day” allows us to pick only one. We have to choose, prioritize our lows. There are so many to sift through - the rude driver who cut me off, the busy friend who disappointed me, the news of a fire that destroyed a friend’s home…and the list goes on. Often the one “low” that I ultimately choose surprises me – it puts the other “lows” of the day in a different perspective. Another chance for reflection. And then the dreaded “high!” On these “low days” who wants to try to dig and find a high? Not me! You know the idiom “misery loves company” - keep those negative thoughts coming, resist looking for any positive, no “highs” allowed at this party! But rules are rules and I have to pick one. And guess what? When I shift my attention and look for a “high” - I find it. EVERY time I manage to find one. They actually have been there all along. All day they sat there quietly beside my “lows” and I just hadn’t noticed them. And now I get to share it and acknowledge it. Maybe even dare to celebrate it - a little - on this dark day. Let’s be clear, it doesn’t flip my “low” day. It is not a magic wand. It usually still remains a “low” day – and by the way – that is alright. But the “high” is like those stars on the darkest of night – against the pitch black they shine all the brighter. What happens when the day is ALL high? Then there are the “high” days when joy seems to prevail and friends give you outward signs of love and appreciation. When plays are performed that end with standing ovations, when hard work show its fruits, when gardens are tended to and celebrations are had. There are days when it is difficult to choose just one “high” because the entire day feels high! On these “high” days I am often struck at the one “high” I choose to prioritize and share with my family. The one I dare to speak before the universe. Sometimes it is more like the flutter of butterfly wings than fireworks of the day. Sometimes the one that rises to the top is nuanced and subtle. In fact, often it is a moment that I would have blown past and not remembered at all, if not for this practice. There is something to take away from that. In a day filled with “highs” there is still room to find more “highs” and there are still more things to be grateful for. The practice of “high and low of the day” brings consciousness to the little moments. The words of Robert Brault come to mind, “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Then those pesky rules come into play again - the dreaded “low.” On a “high” day such as this who has time to look for “lows” – not me! Move on. I just want to bask in the glow of the “high” day. But a voice breaks in, “Mom you didn’t share your low.” I have been called out by my kids. I want to hear the negative things too. When we ask each other to share our “lows” it is kind of like we are saying to each other – “I love you when you are not cheerful and happy. I love you when you are sad and cranky and tired and irritable as well. I love all of you.” What a powerful message we all need to hear. I love you exactly how you are right now in this space – no matter what. I don’t think we can hear that enough as parents, partners, friends, soulmates, colleagues, children, community members, students, grandparents…people. I think we need to hear and experience this more often. Implicit in this practice is the message of unconditional love. In my experience “high and low of the day” creates a little space, every day, to let each other know we are loved for exactly who we are, right now, without exception. Now it is your turn So what are you waiting for? It is time to begin your “high and low of the day” practice. What was your high and low of the day? Did someone ask you about them today? Did anyone listen to your high and low of the day? Did you ask anyone about their high and low of the day? Try it. I encourage you to give it a shot. What do you notice? How do you and your family respond to it? Do you end up making it a part of your family’s daily practice? I would love to hear how it works for you. Open up and share, your high and low of the day.
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Have you ever been so sure of something, sang the song the same way for years, perhaps decades. Then there is that day when you are singing your heart out and all of a sudden someone gives you that look. The “what did you just say?” look. I found out the hard way that the words aren’t “Swing Low, Sweet Cheerio. Coming for to carry me home.” It is a profound lesson though. That thing I was so sure of turns out to be so wrong. I could have listened to that song one million times and every time I would have heard “sweet cheerio” instead of “sweet chariot.” What are the other things - things much more significant and impactful in my life than singing the wrong lyrics - that I also cling to as truth that may actually be absurdly wrong? I was reminded of this again today when I was looking at my son’s soccer roster. The team names always have a theme. Excited to see what animal, or cartoon character or country that his team name would be this season, I scanned down and found the team name – Kookaburras! What the hell are Kookaburras? I had to look at the other team names to even figure out what category this word belongs to! Then I started laughing out loud and shouted to the coach, who happened to be in the kitchen. His comment was that it must be punishment for losing all the jerseys last season. Funny story – we had bags of giveaways in the trunk last fall and my diligent, helpful husband dropped them off at the donation center. Days later when the first soccer practice came along he went into the trunk to pull out the soccer jerseys to pass out to the team and he realized he had forgotten them at home. Oh well, he would have to bring them to the game on Saturday. Then on the ride home it hit him! We ran to the Rescue Mission – the truck had just left with the load for the week and was heading south. We called down to the main store – no luck. New jerseys had to be printed and coach would never live it down. So this was probably just another jab at the coach that ‘donated’ the entire team’s jerseys – your team gets to be the “Kookaburras” – try coming up with a team cheer for that one. Then I said it out loud. Kookaburras. My tongue stumbled on it. Wait! I had one of those realizations. No, it couldn’t be. This one was a childhood classic that my mom sang to me at bedtime. Her mother had taught it to her. I had passed it down to my children. I couldn’t have gotten this one wrong all these years! “Cooka Bear sits on the old gum tree, Merry merry king of the bush is he. Laugh, Cooka Bear, laugh, Cooka Bear, Gay your life must be!” I always pictured a Cooka Bear sitting in the tree. Erect on the tree limb, plucking colorful gumdrops from the tree…laughing. Oh wow. I guess my image might be a little far-fetched. But that’s what the words said! “Cooka Bear sits in the old gum tree Eating all the gumdrops he can see Stop, Cooka Bear, Stop, Cooka Bear Leave some there for me.” So, could this be my beloved Cooka Bear? I google it. Not much comes up when you google “Cooka Bear.” I thought I would see something like this: But if you google “Kookaburras” you get 914,000 results! Lots of pictures like this: A bird! An Australian King Fisher who’s song sounds like human laughter…. A bird! If you haven’t ever heard the beautiful popular Australian nursery rhyme about a bird, not a bear- check it out!
So, another example of how fallible my certainties are. Lesson learned.....again. Then after the shock wore off, I thought about how special it is that my son is on the Kookaburras team this season. I think it was meant to be. And you can be sure you will hear me on the sidelines, cheering louder than anyone “GO COOKA BEARS!” My partner mentioned to me that he saw a post about someone who was going to “post a picture a day” for the year. Now that’s a New Year’s resolution I can get excited about and perhaps even follow through on. And, I have, so far. Yes, I understand it is only January 15…but still it is an accomplishment. In fact it is longer than I have ever stayed true to a resolution. I have shared 14 pictures thus far in 2017 and it has been so fun and enjoyable. Some days I have taken dozens of photos of snow covered trees, savory meals, astonishing sunrises, full moons…yesterday I took literally hundreds of photos during a photo shoot with my cousins and their precious newborn son. On these photo-prolific days it is a challenge to narrow down and choose just one. Then other days I have been busy at work and life seems to move me from one task to the next throughout my day without a breather. At the end of these days I find I have gotten through the entire day without seeing inspirational scenery or experiencing a riveting moment that has drawn me in and begged to be photographed…. On these days the practice becomes almost more of a journaling exercise, an invitation to stop and reflect on the day. Picking a picture of the day is like bringing pen to paper and journaling. The challenge is how to summarize my day in one photo – finding something that describes and encapsulates the simple ebbs and flows of the day. Picking out a photo becomes like writing another excerpt in my journal. Over the last few days I have been noticing something else, a shift. I am reminded at different moments throughout the day about my resolution – a picture a day – and I work to be mindful of the moments, people, views, words, emotions, vistas, narratives – knowing I will need to choose one and share it. I’ve noticed it has become a helpful nudge to stay present, curious, aware and open to each moment throughout the day. This has been a great unintended consequence. It has piqued my awareness throughout the day. I pay attention in a deeper way. I don’t need to shoot all these moments – that would be obnoxious anyways – I just allow the idea into my mind that each moment is up for grabs. Each moment has the potentiality of being sacred, honored and chosen as the one to send out to others as an outward sign of what I value and have found meaning in that day. I know, I know – posting pics to Facebook is not necessarily the most sacred of experiences. But I do have to say that this practice has really taught me something – perhaps all practices whether embedded in our sacred spiritual traditions, or part of our mundane routines or resolutions we make at the beginning of a new year… perhaps all of these practices – if we stay true to them, inevitably will teach us something and ultimately expand us. And one thing very different about this resolution is that it was something that I was so thrilled to be doing – it tapped into my loves, passions, interests. It felt like I was reaching toward abundance. This is in stark contrast to past resolutions that were more like running from temptation and based on self-loathing and “you’re not good enough” mantras. It turns out I have not been very good at keeping the self-loathing kind of resolutions anyways. This new approach feels different and to be honest seems like it is feeding me in a way that has supported me to also make different choices in challenging areas I would like to address; unhealthy patterns and destructive habits. But I shifted approaches. It was by no means purposeful, but nonetheless seems to be having an impact. I am so grateful that my partner mentioned the idea in passing. It led me to resolving to do something daily that is life-giving, aligns with my values, and encourages reflection and purposefulness. I believe this approach fosters success – to make changes in a healthy direction. It is similar to the approach I adhere to in my work as a strength-based Career Coach - encouraging others to spend more of their minutes each day focused on things that strengthen them. Somehow in my own life I find ways to complicate things and not “practice what I preach.” Now I understand that there is something powerful in setting resolutions that are strengths-based, abundance-seeking, aligned with our core. For one, I think we have a much better chance of staying committed to them, maybe just long enough to evolve, shift, change… I hope your resolutions, goals and dreams for 2017 are coming to fruition. I hope you will join me in resolving to embark on a practice that feeds your being and speaks to your soul. Happy 2017! Photo Journal 2017 |
AuthorSome times I write. Even less than "some" times I share what I write. For those moments that I write and want to share I have done so here. Archives
December 2017
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