When you ask your children how their day was, do you get blank stares? I used to get blank stares or one word answers from my kids. Then we started our daily practice of “high and low of the day.” It has brought substance and depth to our conversations. This is how it works. High and low of the day In the car ride home in the evening or at the dinner table at our house you will hear the question, “Time for high and low of the day!” A friend told us about their family ritual of asking one another to share one high and one low from their day. Two years ago we decided to implement this into our daily family routine. Some days we get the obligatory, unenthusiastic answers from our eight and ten-year-old children. One of our eight-year-old’s favorite responses is “I got to play iPad” (insert mom guilt here because he plays on the iPad WAY more than I would like). Once in a while we will get some manipulative, snarky response like “My high was having ice-cream!” I respond naively, “Oh, you had ice-cream at lunch in school today?” “No, I am going to have it tonight!” Laughter ensues from the backseat of the car. So, I admit that our family “high and low of the day” time is not always profound and trans-formative, but I do sincerely believe that this practice has shifted something for us and I think it is worth trying. Here is why. Some days the highs and lows are too important not to share Some days the “high and low of the day” conversation goes something like this: Imagine a shrieking, joyful, giddy girl proclaiming, “I am so excited I got called back for another audition. I have never been to call backs before!” Imagine a disheartened, trembling voice whispering, “The girls in school today were really mean and made me sad.” These are the moments that can stop me in my tracks and remind me how important the “high and low of the day” practice is. It reinforces how essential it is to ask these questions of one another. It reminds me how important it is to take the time to ask each other how we are doing and really be ready to listen to whatever is shared. I often wonder how many of these things I would not hear about if we didn’t commit to this daily practice. Would I know my son was hurting inside and feeling left out? Would I really be able to understand the depth of my daughter’s joy? I have a feeling I would miss out on a lot of these insights and opportunities. Those pesky lows The yin to my yang; the winter to my summer; the peanut butter to my jelly; the night to my day; the turkey to my... Well, you get the point... One of the essential aspects of this practice is that we are intentional about asking about BOTH the highs and lows. We nudge each other to share about both sides of the day – the pleasant and the unpleasant. Why is this important? We tend to be obsessed with happiness. There is often a sense that we have failed if we are not constantly cheerful and experiencing “good” or pleasant feelings. This is unrealistic, and more importantly, unhealthy. Our human experience includes both the highs and lows of life and I would suggest we can’t truly experience the full extent of one without the other (read more at “Riding the Wave”). It is healthy and honest to acknowledge both our highs and lows. It is important to accept that both are part of our lives - every single day. Every day we have an opportunity to acknowledge and make room for both the positive and negative; to shine and to fail, to be grateful and disappointed. There is room for both. In this practice both are honored and given space. Both are accepted. It is a practice in active listening and mindfulness. Instead of being attached to what “should” be we listen to each other’s testimony of the day as it actually is - without judgment. What happens when there is a day that is ALL low? There are those days – the days that are filled with dark clouds, pessimistic colleagues, sore throats, tired emotions, hurt feelings, bad news, and feelings of incompetence. There are the blah days, the ones that seem entirely “low.” But our practice of “high and low of the day” allows us to pick only one. We have to choose, prioritize our lows. There are so many to sift through - the rude driver who cut me off, the busy friend who disappointed me, the news of a fire that destroyed a friend’s home…and the list goes on. Often the one “low” that I ultimately choose surprises me – it puts the other “lows” of the day in a different perspective. Another chance for reflection. And then the dreaded “high!” On these “low days” who wants to try to dig and find a high? Not me! You know the idiom “misery loves company” - keep those negative thoughts coming, resist looking for any positive, no “highs” allowed at this party! But rules are rules and I have to pick one. And guess what? When I shift my attention and look for a “high” - I find it. EVERY time I manage to find one. They actually have been there all along. All day they sat there quietly beside my “lows” and I just hadn’t noticed them. And now I get to share it and acknowledge it. Maybe even dare to celebrate it - a little - on this dark day. Let’s be clear, it doesn’t flip my “low” day. It is not a magic wand. It usually still remains a “low” day – and by the way – that is alright. But the “high” is like those stars on the darkest of night – against the pitch black they shine all the brighter. What happens when the day is ALL high? Then there are the “high” days when joy seems to prevail and friends give you outward signs of love and appreciation. When plays are performed that end with standing ovations, when hard work show its fruits, when gardens are tended to and celebrations are had. There are days when it is difficult to choose just one “high” because the entire day feels high! On these “high” days I am often struck at the one “high” I choose to prioritize and share with my family. The one I dare to speak before the universe. Sometimes it is more like the flutter of butterfly wings than fireworks of the day. Sometimes the one that rises to the top is nuanced and subtle. In fact, often it is a moment that I would have blown past and not remembered at all, if not for this practice. There is something to take away from that. In a day filled with “highs” there is still room to find more “highs” and there are still more things to be grateful for. The practice of “high and low of the day” brings consciousness to the little moments. The words of Robert Brault come to mind, “Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” Then those pesky rules come into play again - the dreaded “low.” On a “high” day such as this who has time to look for “lows” – not me! Move on. I just want to bask in the glow of the “high” day. But a voice breaks in, “Mom you didn’t share your low.” I have been called out by my kids. I want to hear the negative things too. When we ask each other to share our “lows” it is kind of like we are saying to each other – “I love you when you are not cheerful and happy. I love you when you are sad and cranky and tired and irritable as well. I love all of you.” What a powerful message we all need to hear. I love you exactly how you are right now in this space – no matter what. I don’t think we can hear that enough as parents, partners, friends, soulmates, colleagues, children, community members, students, grandparents…people. I think we need to hear and experience this more often. Implicit in this practice is the message of unconditional love. In my experience “high and low of the day” creates a little space, every day, to let each other know we are loved for exactly who we are, right now, without exception. Now it is your turn So what are you waiting for? It is time to begin your “high and low of the day” practice. What was your high and low of the day? Did someone ask you about them today? Did anyone listen to your high and low of the day? Did you ask anyone about their high and low of the day? Try it. I encourage you to give it a shot. What do you notice? How do you and your family respond to it? Do you end up making it a part of your family’s daily practice? I would love to hear how it works for you. Open up and share, your high and low of the day.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorSome times I write. Even less than "some" times I share what I write. For those moments that I write and want to share I have done so here. Archives
December 2017
Categories
|